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Why we stick around
“Fake friend” seems like a phrase that shouldn’t exist. It could be replaced with something wordier like “person I engage with but keep at arm’s length because I don’t trust them.”
Engaging with fake friends can cause you to develop a bias against yourself. Existing in that unhealthy dynamic can make you believe that better relationships are not available to you.
Even though we might know on a subconscious level that a relationship is superficial, many of us continue to closely associate with people whom we don’t necessarily view as our real friends.
Maybe it’s because we’re not privy to the psychological impact it’s having on us. Perhaps we have already started to believe that we aren’t capable of finding real friends.
BetterHelp, the telehealth provider has dedicated a blog post to identifying the differences between real friendships and fake ones. So, it isn’t that uncommon for us to suffer at the hands of our own decisions when we allow toxic people into our lives.
In other words, if you find yourself entangled in fake friendships, you’re not alone.
true friends are committed to forging a pattern that shows you they care while fake friends see your emotions as a nuisance.
True friends vs. Fake friends
BetterHelp offers a robust description of what constitutes a true friend, and even the first line is a standard that fake friends fail to meet.
“Someone who is a true friend stands up for you. When others try to hurt you emotionally or physically, they do everything they can to make sure you stay safe.”
Fake friends can’t be bothered with consistently supporting you. They calculate what you can do for them by being in their lives, but reciprocity and true human care are woefully absent.
These superficial relationships have telltale signs.
One of these is disbalance.
For example, a controlling fake friend will want you to adhere to the friendship dynamic they have molded. You may find yourself feeling anxious when you even think about the prospect of sharing your feelings on the friendship patterns you observe.
Disbalance in a relationship can include
only or mostly socializing when they have nothing better going on
only or mostly having conversations that revolve around them
Real friends consistently care about you, and as the BetterHelp article goes on to mention, even when they do make a judgment error or hurt you, true friends are committed to forging a pattern that shows you they care while fake friends probably see your emotions as a nuisance.
Choose yourself over fake friends
If you’re not sure how to evaluate your friendships, reflect on what you give and get out of them.
Do you feel supported and understood or are you constantly putting on an act to stay in your friend’s good graces?
You will be more likely to identify poor behavior patterns in your friendships if you have the confidence to do something about the situation. We often try to repress our negative emotions surrounding those things we think we can’t change.
It’s hard, but you can break off a fake friendship. You can make positive changes in your life.
Self-confidence is a key resource.
Once you get that sinking feeling that you might have one or more fake friends in your life, it’s time to figure out how to strengthen your relationship with yourself and become a more confident human being. That way you can choose your own peaceful solitude over the presence of people who don’t respect you enough.
When you’re ready, have an honest conversation about the unhealthy dynamics you see in the friendship. Be aware that many times the best course of action with fake friends is to terminate the friendship. Trying to create a dynamic that is reciprocal, healthy, and nurturing is unlikely with someone who has a track record of thoughtless behavior toward you.
In the long run, you’ll thank yourself for choosing what’s best for you.
Maybe your former fake friend will become someone’s real friend down the road, but your concern is your mental health. Your interpersonal relationships absolutely inform that.
When all is said and done, settling for fake friends is an all-around toxic scenario. It hurts your self-image, makes them feel like they can get away with treating you badly, and leaves you feeling lonely, even while in the company of others.
You can do way better than that.