can yall revise my body paragraph, like change the words? i will give you brainliest​

Answer:
Online research states that when people play video games for extensive periods of time, they develop a gaming disorder. Furthermore, research also mentions the fact that the average person who plays video games are around ages 18 through 34. Additionally, many people who play video games often stay up past their bedtime or when they should be sleeping. Due to the lack of sleep, they often cannot pay much attention or focus on anything such as school or their job. Unfortunately, video games can also cause illnesses mentally and physically, or even something like depression.
Explanation:
You are free to change things up a bit too if you are not satisfied with this kind of body paragraph.
Correct me if I am incorrect.