Answer:
Great story, slight adjustments with the commas might be good (I can't fully tell because the photo is blurry)
Explanation:
I really like it. I think that the first sentence/paragraph and the second sentence/paragraph are slightly confusing, but the overall story you're telling is interesting and is really supported by a sudden twist in the information you know. It's great storytelling because there are things you don't entirely explain, so I get to interpret the situation myself.
Some of the sentences might be a little bit more clear with fewer commas. Then again, they might not be commas (the photo is really blurry for me)
