Answer: your essay has a lot of great concepts and a solid main idea
Explanation: while the main idea is clear, this essay lacks professionalism (lack of a formal tone), uses too many first-person pronouns, and doesn't have a clear thesis. These are just some mistakes that stood out to me. Great main idea, a convincing topic, and evidence, but if you ever gave this to even a low-tier college professor you would be laughed out of their office. If you want something more in-depth just send me a pdf of the essay and I'll see what I can do.
